The Oscar Snarkathon

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 06:00:00

It’s time for the much ballyhooed little anticipated Oscar snarkathon. The problem with the Oscarcast is that there’s no ideal way to organize it; either you let everyone go on and on and on and it lasts 7 1/2 days (Halle Berry’s speech from 4 years ago is still going on) OR you do what they did last night and hire a bouncer/conductor (aka LSU’s own Bill Conti) to drag people offstage. And they still ran 30 minutes over the theoretical time of 3 hours. I thought pulling the plug on the producers of “Crash” was tackier than Mrs. Moron’s wardrobe and decor combined. On to the random ramblings and notes of a lunatic who is not named Kim:

THE HOST: First time host Jon Stewart has been taking some lumps but I thought he did a good job even if the WaPo’s great critic Tom Shales among others disagrees. Hey you hire Jon Stewart he’s going to do his schtick as did Billy Crystal Johnny Carson and Bob Hope.  Of course Hollywood is most comfortable with an insider as host but Jon was pretty darn funny.  Hey at least Jon didn’t pull a Letterman although I’m a proponent of Oprah mocking…

I particularly liked the negative ads: The Dames Against Judy Dench and the Charlize Theron: Hagging It Up spots were hilarious. I halfway expected the swift boat creeps to turn up…

THE BIG SURPRISE: The oddsmakers were right about many of the winners: Rachel Weisz Philip Seymour Hoffman and Reese Witherspoon. But “Crash”  taking the best picture award was a big and to me pleasant surprise. I thought “Brokeback Mountain” was a good movie but the weakest of the nominees. I would have voted for “Munich” but “Crash” was a deserving winner. The finale reminded me of the Oscars for 1998 when “Private Ryan” was the prohibitive favorite Spielberg won best director but “Shakespeare In Love” won best picture. I’m not sure how well that choice will hold up down the road but hey I think Christopher Marlowe wrote the Bard’s plays so what the hell do I know? That was a rhetorical question y’all; no need to answer…

One thing bugs me: why does everyone insist on calling “Brokeback Mountain” the gay cowboy movie? They’re shepherds for chrissake. Of course I know why I’m crazy not stupid: cowboys are American archetypes and shepherds are Balkan archetypes.  I hope that the Greeks  or perhaps the odd Bosnian call it the gay shepherd movie.  Btw I thought of making a few sheep jokes but thought better of it. Except for this classic: Brokeback Mountain where the women are few and the sheep are scared. There now I feel better.

FASHION COMMENTARY: What were Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts thinking? Charlize had that giant bow growing on her arm which looked like something out of a bad Roger Corman  ’50’s sci-fi flick. Naomi was wearing a color (beige according to my fashion consultant Dr A) that made her look as if she needed to run offstage to blow chunks. As Wayne Campbell would surely say at this point:  why hide your babe-itude? If Naomi had consulted with Kong this woulda never happened. He had her in the palm of his hand after all. <the groaning reverberates across cyberspace>

Among the men I got a kick out of the Wallace and Gromit guys wearing matching bow ties and then putting little matching bow ties on their Oscars. These oscars looked like George F Will after being dipped in gold leaf; a fitting fate for a Repub pundit. I also enjoyed seeing the great Larry McMurtry wearing jeans and cowboy boots with his tuxedo jacket. I think one of our greatest writers should be able to wear whatever the hell he wants. If the Swedes had any sense Larry would win the Nobel Prize for literature but they don’t so he won’t. But they did pick Harold Pinter last year so maybe there’s hope…

MOST PREDICTABLE MOMENTS: George Clooney blimps up looks unkempt with longish hair and a scraggly beard and wins the Best Supporting Actor award for the dreadful “Syriana.” Put a movie star up against career character actors and guess who wins. Don’t get me wrong: I’m a Clooney fan but this was a mediocre performance in a self-important and bad film. I’ll take his Dapper Dan-wearing hick slimeball in “Oh Brother Where Art Thou” any day. Well as long as I can stand upwind of him: he was a bona fide stinker…

Ben Stiller the master of self-mortification did it again by wearing a lime green jump/leisure suit affair and pretending to be some sort of human FX. A piece of advice for you Benny baby: next time wear a jock strap or a codpiece. There are many people of both genders who want to see George Clooney’s naughty bits but not yours o son of Jerry. It was almost as traumatic as the time I saw Mr. Moron in drag…

Jennifer Anniston who was in every movie this year was also a presenter. Repeat after me: Jen is overexposed. She’s everywhere these days: I halfway expect Ms. Anniston to start fixing roofs or collecting debris in Topsy Turvy Town….

ACCENT COMMENTARY: No I’m not going to mock Ang Lee for his Chinese accented English or even the French Penguin guys. Ang’s accent is not bad at all. But I find it very interesting that Charlize Theron seems to have shed her South African accent for ceremonial occasions while all the Ozzies sound like Crocodile Fricking Dundee or former-PM Bob Hawke. I’m with the Foster swilling barbecuing Split Enz-listening abo bashing Ozzies on this one. In between hagging it up be yourself Charlize.

TRANSFORMATIONS- THE GOOD THE BAD & THE NOT SO BEAUTIFUL:  I enjoyed the Farrell/Carrell bad makeup schtick. But I didn’t notice if either was wearing lipstick. <groaning> That was the good the bad was Rachel McAdams with bleached blonde hair that made her look like Pamela Anderson without the flotation devices. Rachel I love ya dawlin’ but get thee to a hairdresser…

THE LUCY BUSTAMANTE ECCENTRIC PRONUNCIATION AWARD: Goes to Salma Hayek for calling the gay shepherd movie “Brockback Mountain.” I wonder if this was product placement for Brock candies or if Salma is lusting after Baseball Hall of Famer Lou Brock. Note to non-Debrisvillians: Lucy Bustamante is WWL’s incompetent new anchor who usually mispronounces 3 or 4 things every broadcast. Perhaps I should call her Lucy Malaprop. Nah that’s too kind…

CRAPPY MUSICAL MOMENTS: The Oscarcast is always full of them. None this time around were as bad as the infamous Rob Lowe/Disney dance number from the late ’80’s. The staging of the Kathleen York number from “Crash” was pretty atrocious though. It looked like the Causeway on a January morning. I wish I’d had the dry ice concession for the show. Now that I think of it Rob Lowe and Kathleen York have something in common other than this: both were on “The West Wing” but only one of their characters ever slept with Toby Ziegler.

As to the winning number: no comment. It *was* lively but I’ve never liked hip-hop and I’m not about to start now. Actually it’s not even creeping old-fartism: I’ve hated rap and synthesized percussion since the mid-80’s. Yeah that’s right I used to be a cranky young man. Now I’m just plain cranky. However I am not now nor have I ever been a pimp… 

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