Daily Archives: March 17, 2006

THE GANG OF 19: ACT TWO

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 17:17:58

I threatened to give y’all more of my impressions and I don’t make empty threats.

Baldest Candidate: This is a close race but C Ray is the only one who shaves his pate so he gets the edge. The also-rans: Mitch Landrieu Rob (The Jerk) Couhig Leo Watermeier and the Indian Guy.

Conversation With God Award: There are a  boatload of candidates who seem to talk to the big fella all the time: Crazy Kim Mad Marie and C Ray but the winner is Norbert Rome. Mr. Rome informed the audience that he not only was told by Jahweh that he should run for Mayor but that Crazy Kim was there when it happened. I like it when the candidates get along…

The Mardi Gras Is A Pagan Festival Award: Also goes to Norbert Rome who is not a Baptist preacher he just sounds like one. Rome delivered a fairly lengthy harangue about Carnival’s homage to pagan gods. It was most amusing since I’m old pagan stock myself. Mr. Rome also declared that his first act as Mayor would be to pray. If he is somehow elected Mayor I’ll say a few prayers of deliverance myself to Bacchus…

Worst Recycled Campaign Cliche: 
Peggy Wilson kept trying to be the Ronald Reagan of NOLA politics by denouncing “Welfare Queens.” I prefer Oliver’s term “soap opera watchers” myself.  Hmm I wonder if Peggy’s campaign will adopt Neil Young’s “Welfare Mothers” as her campaign theme song? It has the catchy refrain:  Welfare mothers make better lovers…

Goofiest Campaign Cliche: Gorilla Ron Forman told us that he’s been dreaming for 33 years and that he’s “a dreamer and a doer.” Thanks for sharing Ronbo. I hope you wake up some time soon…

The Helen Reddy Memorial Award
: Goes to Mad Marie Galatas who informed the crowd that it’s time for a woman to be Mayor of Crazytown. Maybe so but we don’t need a crazy woman as Mayor to follow the crazy incumbent. Btw I’m not sure if Helen Reddy is still alive and I’m too lazy to google her.

A Suggestion For The Arts Candidate: James Arey is the self-proclaimed arts candidate. Here’s my suggestion: subsidize local bloggers; espescially those of Greek ancestry. It’s our turn to wallow in the public troth. Hey if Bishop Paul Morton. Rev. Tom Watson and Uncle Glen Haydel can be on the payroll why not  those of us who dwell in the blogosphere?

Only Male Candidate To Get A “Guy Hug” From Cranky Norman Award:
The winner is my boy Manny Chevrolet Bruno. A “guy hug” is when a manly man grasps another man’s shoulder and squeezes it lightly. Norman obviously got a kick out of Manny Chevrolet’s witty answers and rewarded the candidate with a firm handshake followed by a “guy hug.” You da Manny…

The Serious Bit: There was only a bit of race baiting last night but it reached its apogee with who else that notorious black racist Rev. Tom Watson. Watson made the astonishing assertion that he would reinstate the sensitivity training regimen proposed and quickly abandoned last summer by then NOPD Chief Eddie Compass. Why was it dropped? It was to be run by Dennis Muhammad of the Nation Of Islam; a protege of Mr. Sensitive himself Louis Farrakhan. That’s right the nation’s leading anti-semite and the man widely suspected by among others the Shabazz family of planning the assassination of Malcolm X.

After hearing this bombshell I quickly scrawled a question in the hopes that it would be asked in the audience question portion but it was not. I hope someone will have the cojones to ask Watson to clarify and expand upon his answer. Hey at least it proves that Watson won’t pander to the members of Temple Sinai which was the site of the forum. He’ll repulse and repel them but not pander to them…

And The Winners Are:  The organizers of the event and moderator Norman Robinson who pulled off a fairly coherent and highly entertaining forum despite having a small army of candidates onstage.

THE GANG OF 19

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 06:00:00

Greetings sports fans: Dr A and I went to the massive Mayoral forum at Temple Sinai Uptown. There were nearly as many people on stage as in the audience: 19 out of 23 candidates and Cranky Norman Robinson as moderator. Norman is everywhere y’all. I was of course exaggerating about the candidate to voter ratio: the temple was packed to the rafters. Oy such a crowd. Btw I was duty bound to go because my friend and neighbor Linda ran the show and I feared her wrath if I didn’t go. The last time I displeased her she pelted me with fruit: I’m sure you’ve heard of the grapes of wrath. <groaning at his own tall tale and horrid pun>

I took copious notes throughout but a narrative is impossible; mostly because my handwriting is so bad that I can’t read them. I have a law degree but a doctor’s penmanship. Anyway here are my Impressions: Curtis Mayfield Jerry Butler. Oops wrong impressions…

Funniest Candidate: Hands down Manny Chevrolet Bruno who has a delivery worthy of Johnny Carson or Adrastos. He even made Norman laugh and the Crankatollah is a tough room. Manny wants to turn NOLA into the Amsterdam of the USA and bring a red light district back to town. When the candidates were asked if they’d sell the airport to raise money Manny said that he’d sell the planes instead. Manny likes the film industry too: “It was my main source of income pre-Katrina. ”  Manny Chevrolet’s closing speech was outstanding; he chided the others for not having run before. “Only Sugar Ray and me ran in 2002. Where was everyone else?”

Most Attractive Candidates:  James (Fabulous) Arey among the men and Virginia Boulet among the women. Btw as pictured at the top of the post James Arey was a 5 time winner on Jeopardy in 1999. He’s a babe with brains; so is Virginia…

Candidate Who Sounds The Most Like Barry White: An oddly irrelevant category I know but if you want substance read Josh Marshall for chrissake. I’m here to cut up dish and shoot my mouth off like I know what I’m talking about. The winner is James Lemman an aircraft mechanic from the Ninth Ward. The man has a low-n-smooth voice.

The Blame The Liberals Candidate: Tied: Rob (Bald asshole lawyer from Adams and Reese) Couhig and Peggy (Still Shrill After All These Years) Wilson. These two spent most of the evening trying to out wingnut one another. The odd thing is that when I’ve seen La Peggy at the PRC she’s not at all shrill. Hell she was against the Wal-Mart giveaway. But her Mayoral campaign is competing for the Repub base in a town where it is still tinier than Brittany Spears’ brain.

Candidate With The Coolest Accent: It’s gotta be the Indian Guy restauranteur Mac (Noodles) Rahman who owns Sara’s Restaurant. He also scored points with me by denouncing the  Beavis-Duce-neo-con war in Iraq as pointless costly and idiotic. Way to go Indian Guy. Apu would be proud of you…

New Candidate Nickname: Now that I’ve listened to him in person and seen his pandering ads I’ve given Gorilla Ron a second nickname: Focus Group Forman. He’s gone from promising to tell people the “hard truths about recovery” to telling everyone what they want to hear. Way to go Ronnie baby you’re a real pro now.  Throw that man a banana. I could also steal a page from my late great countryman Paul Tsongas and call Ron a “Pander Bear.” Anybody else remember who that barb was aimed at during the 1992 presidential campaign? Here’s a hint: bad taste in mistresses…

Most Often Repeated Buzz Words: Peggy Wilson kept telling us that New Orleans should be a TAX FREE zone. She was both on message and on my nerves.  Yo Peg the Garden District is already a PROPERTY TAX FREE zone. Stop yelling Peggy it’s grating on my nerves. Me I’d rather grate cheese…

Most Often Repeated Buzz Words Runner-Up: Crazy Kim the queen of redundant speech kept saying: “Put a plan in place.” Perhaps it’s a tongue twister she’s trying to popularize. I somehow doubt that it will catch on: it’s no she sells seashells at the seashore….

Best Candidate Hair: Young Nick Bacque with an accent grave. He has curly brunette locks and could give James Arey a run for his money as the cutest male candidate but it’s a proven fact that gay men are more attractive than straight men. So Arey edges Nick out. I dunno who proved it but it’s the truth which to quote Difford and Tilbrook is “not my middle name.” Ah I enjoyed squeezing in that Squeeze reference. Btw Nick Bacque has a blog at his homepage but I couldn’t find a single Zappa reference…

Craziest Performance By A Candidate: There are so many loony tunes running: Sonja Lady Dedais Crazy Kim Norbert Rome but tonight’s winner is: Mad Marie Galatas. Mad Marie introduced herself as a “faith based person.” Glad ta meetcha Marie. She’s also very fond of the word utilize and at one point said: “I’ve been doing it for 40 years.” That was Mad Marie’s very own Barry White I mean Donna Summer moment. I’ll tell you more about Mad Marie Galatas some time soon: Deep Blog has been dishing the dirt on this nutbar. Documents I have documents…

Weirdest Image: Peggy Wilson quoted Ronald Reagan quoting Abraham Lincoln in her closer: “We’ll restore this beautiful city on a hill.” The old Jewish lady next to me turned to her husband and said in a stage whisper: “Hill? What hill?” I leaned over to her and said: “Monkey Hill.” Note for non-Debrisvillians: Monkey Hill at Audubon Zoo is said to be the highest point in NOLA. It’s a wee hill that Utahans would sneer at. Hell I sneer at it…

Best Closing Statement: The Singin’ Lt Gov Mitch Landrieu. He kept it tight and to the point. I wish he’d sung some show tunes instead but this was probably more effective…

Worst Closing Statement: C Ray is incapable of saying anything marginally coherent in less than an hour. He rambled   harumphed and ran out of time.

Speaking of closing statements I’m weary so I’ll continue this tomorrow. I really hadn’t planned to go on so long tonight but I can’t help myself. Hey it’s a Four Tops reference to end the show. Just call me the Levi Stubbs of bloggers y’all.