Daily Archives: April 3, 2006

WINNING UGLY & TALKING TRASH AT THE TENNESSEE WILLIAMS FESTIVAL

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 06:00:00

The entry title is a composite; it’s sort of like cement actually. Well not really but I used to know a lot about cement. Why? During my misspent youth I worked as a paralegal on a massive anti-trust case that pitted all the cement buyers against the cement companies. It was a real snoozer folks. I spent several months reading documents in a dank basement at Kaiser corporate HQ in Oakland. It was a painful experience y’all.  The case? That was merely dull duller dulles. The pain came from spending that much time on the wrong side of the Bay Bridge. I grew up on the Peninsula which is the snotty side of the Bay Area. We simply did not do Oakland; it’s sort of like the way many folks Uptown view the West Bank. For example I’m not sure if my friend the Composer has ever driven on the Crescent City Connection and/or experienced the sublime pleasures of Harvey…

Item-1 Tennessee On A Hot Tin Roof: Actually we went to events at the ballroom at the Bourbon Orleans Hotel. I don’t think they have a tin roof but ya never know. Anyway Dr. A and I played culture vultures and went to 3 panels at the Tennessee Williams Literary Festival this weekend.

On Saturday we saw a group of writers discussing Cajun culture in the modern world. Their consensus: Acadian good, coon ass bad. I feel ya guys. The liveliest participant was Nicholas Pousson novelist and seriously tattooed guy. He slipped some innuendo past the moderator providing much titillation to an old lady wearing a tie-dyed shirt across the room from me. Perhaps she’s one of Phil Lesh’s old girlfriends: the Grateful Dead bassist turned 66 last month. Sheesh who expected anyone in the Dead to live so long…

Sunday’s panels were quite memorable. It was Doug Brinkley day for us: we saw the Tulane prof and noted Naginophobe on two panels. The first panel discussed writing Presidential biographies and Brinkley was joined by Patricia Brady and Richard Zacks. As a disciple of Gore Vidal I enjoyed all the Jefferson bashing. I’m not sure about my spousal unit: Dr. A is from Virginia where they flog people who say anything bad about TJ. I expect that Zacks Brady and Brinkley will be banned from Virginia after repeatedly taking TJ’s name in vain. I dare them to Sally Hemmings Forth to Charlottesville; they’d be greeted by locals waving pitchforks and torches bearing the Monticello logo…

Brinkley surveyed the audience the audience as to who we though were the greatest Presidents: Dr. A and I both raised our hand for FDR. There were several Truman adherents as well. I’m not wild about Harry even if it makes me a bad Democrat. Truman gave us the national security state and the Red Scare and we’re still living with the consequences of having a permanent war economy. Brinkley who quite likes Truman did however compare Truman’s style to that of President Beavis: full speed ahead and damn the consequences. Truman gave us the Korean War and we all know what bloody idiocy Beavis hath wrought…

After both Doug Brinkley and I made a pit stop the post-K panel assembled. Brinkley was joined by Picayune City Editor Jed Horne Rosemary James and Tom Piazza who wrote “Why New Orleans Matters.”  Ms.  James drew Dr. A’s ire when she lamented the absence of waterfront high rise buildings in our burg. Dr. A muttered protests in a rather loud stage whisper and was shushed by some audience members. Dr. A is right y’all we don’t want any stinking Florida style yuppie ghettos cluttering up our riverfront. In the immortal words of Cole Porter: Get outta town.

Item-2  Trash Talk: Saturday we had a neighborhood cleanup; About 10 neighbors showed up to do manual labor and wade through festering piles of post-K rubbish. It was stinky work but we put the fun into funky or some such shit. And damn it *was* funky.

What would a neighborhood cleanup be without candidates in this election season? District B Council candidates Shane Landry and Michael Duplantier  as well as Michael’s vivacious wife Betty pitched in to help us pitch out trash. Michael was horrified to see that there was so much opportunistic littering in our unflooded neighborhood. I am too.  And Betty continued her campaign to charm me into submission. Charm thy name is Betty Duplantier. Actually Shane Landry is almost as charming; he had to leave us after an hour to play bingo with some nuns. I wasn’t raised Catholic so I’ve never played nun bingo but it sounds habit forming. <groan> Now that I think of it I’d rather play nun bingo or make the odd nun pun than pick up aged MREs and spill stale beer on my trousers. Hey Shane wait up….

Item-3 Winning Ugly: Kenner held its municipal election on April Fool’s day. I don’t make this stuff up y’all well most of it anyway. I do tend to insert fictional characters into the blog on occasion. Now that I think of it I haven’t heard from my main fictional man Mike Hammer in some time; he must be rolling drunks and chasing skirts in Jersey or something. Mike call me we need your…um…skills here in Debrisville…

Anyway back to the Kenner mayoral race. Krewe of Endymion Captain Ed Muniz ran first in the primary followed by Mayor Ugly aka Phil Capitano. The usual rule of thumb is that when an incumbent loses in the first round he’s neck deep in shit and sinking fast. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy than Phil. He can stop scaring the people of Kenner and go back to stopping clocks with his manly visage…

DISCLAIMER:
I don’t usually make ugly jokes BUT Phil Capitano is ugly inside and outside.  He’s just plain ugly y’all.

Item-4 Losing Ugly: The LSU Lady Tigers basketball team had their heads handed to them by the Duke Blue Devils 64-45. I suppose you should never bet against schools endowed by tobacco money and whose mascot is Satan in blue tights…